Friday, July 15, 2011

Kegals, Squats, & Tiny Hineys

News has reached Casa de la Bohemia, that Kegals are not only ineffective, but possibly counter-productive.  The newest news suggests that the key to a strong pelvic floor is having a big firm booty.  The brilliant scientist that came up with the newest news says we should be doing squats instead. Okay, so I get very excited on the first day and start squatting every chance I get.  I counted 80 squats that day.  (Did I mention, that the little witchlings and the little cat think I've gone and dropped my basket?) No, sweat.  Next morning, no soreness.  This continued for several days, til I got to thinking that my tiny little white girl 'no-ass' (as my friends lovingly refer to it) is obviously NOT muscular enough.  This should be a bit painful if it's going to be effective.  So we checked the all knowing internet and found that we are doing squats ALL wrong.  Essentially, while doing a squat, you should appear to be sitting down onto a chair.  Your feet should be hip length apart & pointed forward.  You should face directly ahead (which is hard while squatting, so I suggest doing it in front of a mirror) and I find that placing a book on my head helps me stay more balanced and 'drawn in' while doing this exercise.  Your knees should never move forward of your toes & keep your posture nice & your back slightly arched.  Now is the part where I mention that if you plan on doing this exercise in front of a mirror, give yourself an extra 15 minutes, cuz you will want to have the time to laugh at the jack-ass in the mirror with a book on her head sitting in an imaginary chair and falling like a damn fool.  And if ya wanna go hard core and build a butt, you should use weights.  I used 11 lb barbells and I am sorry.  Gauge weight size, by if you can do 10-15 squats easily while holding them.  If you can, they are too light.  Every time you want to quit, just think of Depends.  And for some real incentive, go check out the Mama Sweat blog where the original info is!

Now I'm gonna go tippy-fuckin-toe to a hot bathtub, so I can soak my tiny sore hiney and relax with the knowledge that, after seeing this, the kids will never think me infallible.

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